Hatred
by College Fool
Summary: Tabris hates everyone and everything. For the most part, she likes to think she's justified. A look into the dark thoughts of a city elf turned Grey Warden. "Angst" as in dark, not emo or whiny. Companion One: Alistair.


Tabris hates Alistair.

Oh, it's very easy to. Where to start? He's foolish and easy to dance around in any battle of wits. He is sentimental in a blighted world, always crying over losing this person or that. He's a Templar, taught and indoctrinated to kill mages, a specter of terror for any elf who hopes to escape the Alienage to the dim hopes of the Circle. He thinks she needs help, whether from the darkspawn dreams or otherwise.

And he is human. Not only one of the oppressors of her people, but has the gall of the unaffected to act like that it does not matter, and that now that she is a Grey Warden others will see that too. He thinks that people can get along, in a world where mages are kept terrorized, the Chantry kept high and self-righteous, and the elves kept down .

Those are just some of the reasons to hate him. Certainly ones that Morrigan would understand and approve of. But there is more to it than that. Tabris sees how Alistair lives his life, and she narrows her eyes and hates him for it.

Because when Alistair is set upon and mocked or insulted, whether by Morrigon or anyone else, he simply fires back and moves on, seemingly forgetting about the matter entirely. (Unlike her, who has had to remember every face, every sneer, to know which faces to dance around most sensitively and which would be most likely to take their failures out on lesser elf.)

Because when he moves on, he forgives: he accepts her sharp tongue as a fact, would say he wouldn't change it for anything, does not even nurse a grudge against Morrigon. There are only a few souls he holds a grudge against, and they are beyond a doubt qualified and are often the betrayals of bards tales. (Whereas she dares not believe sincere-sounding apologies, because when a human apologizes at best it merely puts them in a place to repeat the harm again and again and at worst it is a lie, she knows this because-)

Because while simple, he is not _stupid_, a fact she must remind herself over and over less she drop her guard. He _is_ knowledgeable of all that could be expected of him, he is _not_ a bumbling fool who could not do anything right (because no Templar who smites a bloodmage with such force under such foul magics could be called useless), he _does_ have a working brain between his ears (though Morrigan may often win her duels of words, it is often because Alistair gives up and lets her be and rarely because he doesn't have a retort), and his deference to her is because of a desire on his part, not some innate superiority on hers. (And she hates that she must remember that, must always remember that, because otherwise she might let down her guard and let his smile and eyes in close, and wouldn't that be a fine time to see their rare spark of rage when there is nothing between his sword and her back?)

Because though he's hopelessly optimistic and has faith in other people, it is contagious and that faith is often rewarded. Whereas all her life she has had to scrounge every assurance of payment upfront lest she not get anything at all, whereas Morrigan would simply want to make sure that there is a bottom line in her favor, Alistair simply acts because it is _right._ Yes, the money is valuable and is needed, but Alistair would work for nothing if only the world worked that way. And because he would, even the poor and needy strive to repay him: precious silver, swords that are family heirlooms, things that would not be given up by the most desperate people, are freely and gladly handed over by those who would otherwise be on the brink of despair. (And she wonders and fears how she would have reacted, had Duncan never found her but Alistair had, helping a widowed city elf during the Blight for no other reason but because one was in need, and her own answer drives her to new heights of hatred, only at him because it so deserves to be at herself.)

Because no matter how hard she looks, she can't find in him the casual racism about elves that every other man she has ever met knows. Even Sten's opinion is that she is an exception to the rules, both as an elf and as a woman, but Alistair simply looked at her that first day and didn't even shrug. She was Grey Warden. If she hadn't, it would not have made a difference. No amount of eavesdropping, of suspicious glances, can ever draw out that one shred of evidence that would let her securely associate him with all the other two-faced faux-sincere humans who claim to not despise her for what she is. (And she wants to do that, needs it so much, because if he isn't, if there really are people out there who don't even think in terms of elf or human or qunari, then it means she's wrong, and her own hatred of all the humans is baseless and her entire world view is shattered, because she would be no different and just as wrong because there is an alternative and-)

But the single greatest reason she hates him is because he tries to help her. Not in a "you can't do this, let me" fashion, or because he is so besotted that she suddenly becomes a fragile flower (if he had done either, she would have killed him), but simply because he wants to and think he should look out for her, and assumes she will look out for him. He stays up to talk to her about the Darkspawn dreams not because she is weak, but because he was and wants to be there if she needs it. Would want her to do the same. He trusts her, against all logic and reason, and she hates him for it. (Don't trust me, never trust me, for I dare not trust you Alistair, because I-)

Hates him. Hates him, hates him, hates him. Hates everything about him. Hates that he can afford to be comfortable and safe, yet it out here with the rest of them, never complaining and always working. Hates that he is not a fool to be dismissed, hates that he does not hate when she long ago succumbed, hates that his faith in people is not disproven, hates that he likely truly does care nothing of race or station, but most of all hates that he would help her more if only she would let him.

Which is why he is now in her tent, shaking her awake as she trembles and shouts in fear and fury and pain and sadism as dream-memories of not the darkspawn or Archdemon but of the thrusts and laughter of Bann Vaughan's men until they had let down their guard and she drew the hidden dagger out of the remains of her torn and bloodied wedding gown and-

-and he is shaking her again, asking about the Archdemon only so that those outsides won't think anything else, because he knows that is not the cause because his dreams were nothing like hers. And as she composes herself and masters her nerves as Alistair rattles some meaningless embarrassing story of when he was a new recruit, giving her all the space and time she needs, she hates that the only distance between them is that of her own creation, and that he is not to blame at all.

But, and this is why he is Alistair and not somebody else, someone who only cares for a pretty face and a warm body and not a lethal dagger at your back to guard it, Alistair tries again, curse him, and offers her a ring she has never seen leave his person. He awkwardly tries to explain that it has royal runes against curses and poor dreams, and while it never does him much good with the darkspawn taint he never has any other sort and she's welcome to take it, not that he's implying anything, but he is so flustered and trying to downplay it that he can't keep his words straight despite all the times she's overheard him practice, and so she saves him the trouble and takes it and puts it around her neck and asks him to leave.

And when he hastily turns and does, he almost never hears her thank the man she hates most dearly.


End file.
